Modern Tortall
by Artistically challenged
Summary: It's a random story full of Cleon and Jonathan bashing. Set in modern times. Rated for attacking and talking about attacking and killing Cleon and Jonathan Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, whack!, many times. This is my first fanfiction.


Modern Tortall

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story except the plot and my own sick mind. Tamora Pierce owns the rest of it. The characters and…well, the characters. **

Alanna sighed. Senator Raoul had lost and it would be another four more years of President Jonathan's reign. It was enough to sigh over.

_I want to kill something._ Thought Alanna. _Maybe I'll go practice shooting. Or maybe I'll go hunting. I got a new rifle._

George came down. "Alanna, I'm getting depressed. Would you mind going hunting with me? We might find Cleon, and kill him."

Alanna brightened up at this thought, and agreed immediately. They grabbed their rifles and walked out of their house arm in arm.

Kel, on the other hand, was not having so great a time. "He taxes the poor, poverty-ridden homeless people! How can he WIN? How can so many people be so STUPID?"

Dom came over to Kel and kissed her on the cheek. "Cheer up, dearest. It's only four more years."

"Joy, joy." Kel replied.

"Come on, let's go kill something." said Dom, trying to help Kel. "We might find Cleon, and kill him."

Kel loved this thought and agreed.

Yuki found Neal pacing his room. "Neal, he can't be THAT bad."

"Of course he can be. He's AWFUL!" Neal sighed.

"Still, maybe he'll be replaced by someone else." soothed Yuki, "Or impeached!"

"Such optimism, my Cherry Blossom." Neal drawled. _(A/N: Cherry Blossom? _

_And I thought Cleon was bad! Think of it as a… pet name. Yeah. Not the stupid names that Cleon gave Kel. CUTSIE NAME! Like "darling" or "sweetiepie" or "scrumptium" or something equally…yeah, like that.)_

"Such pessimism Doctor Neal, is there no cure?" Yuki replied.

"Not pessimism, Yuki. Cynicism." Neal retorted.

"The difference being…?" Yuki asked. _(A/N: I'm getting tired of using words besides "said.")_

"A Pessimist thinks the worst of everything, but a Cynic knows the worst of everything."

"You're philosophy gives me a headache. Why don't we go with Alanna, George, Kel, and Dom? We might find Cleon, and kill him."

"My Cherry Blossom, I delight in your schemes. Let's do it."

Numair paced the room, occasionally throwing blasts of fire at certain Jon-shaped pictures on the wall. "ARRGGHH!" He screeched.

"Honey, no matter how many times you screech, you won't be able to fly in a human form. Just accept who you are!" Daine called from the bathroom.

"No, it's not that! Jon got re-elected."

"Odds Bobs! Keep screeching Honey; I'm sure we can fly to the moon. Or migrate to Mexico with the ladybugs. Or fly over the Atlantic Ocean. Or…"

Numair sighed and massaged his temple. _(A/N: Alright, let's cut to the chase, I can't think of anything else that they could say.)_

"Let's go for a walk. We might find Cleon and kill him." _(A/N: I didn't have them go hunting because Daine might…yeah. They still can kill Cleon.)_

Ah, the thrill of the hunt. The enthralling sense of strength and boldness. The delicious feeling of power as the prey cowers in a corner. The-

_Enough with the description already! Jeez!_

Anyway, the eight soon-to-be murderers of Cleon went to the spa where they were certain Cleon probably would be. Sure enough, Cleon bolted as soon as the eight got in sight. Unfortunately, Cleon was not wearing any clothes, and caused Kel to screech and fly to the moon.

Luckily, Kel came back in time to see where Cleon had gone.

Running and waving pitchforks and rifles, the eight cornered Cleon in an alleyway.

"No!" Suddenly, a strange spirit seemed to possess Cleon. "Your fathers would be proud of you. They would love to see you now, come to fight a naked boy in a shower, smaller than you, and you brought seven friends. They would say, Oh, what honor."

_(A/N: That was from Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card. Had to change very slightly to fit this story.)_

"Cleon, you're not a boy, in the shower, or smaller than us! Stupid oaf." Kel corrected him.

"But-but-Sunrise of Rose Dawn? How could you betray me?" Cleon whimpered.

"We're here to kill you Cleon, because we're all very upset that Jonathan won the election." George snarled.

Everyone got out their rifles and aimed it at Cleon. Suddenly, a great bubbley shield surrounded him. Everyone looked rather startled. Out came Some-random-person.

"You are stupid! If you are really upset, then why don't you go kill the kin-I mean president!" Some-random-person shouted. _Stupid rich people._ He/She/It thought. _(A/N: I was gonna have Cleon suggest that they kill Jonathan, but that would be smart. Anyway, I like to add random people. They're so fun to kill…Mwah-hah-hah-hah-ha-Cough, hack, gag- Hah! Now back to the story.)_

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Jonathan shouted from out of nowhere. Everyone looked around, but decided that they didn't really hear Jonathan, just his thoughts. Wait. _WHAT THOUGHTS_?

_(A/N: I'm getting bored. Let's end this now.)_

Everyone went to kill Jonathan, but they found out that he had jumped off the top of a building just about an hour ago, so they all went home and had a happy ever after. Cleon ran around and annoyed one of his cellmates, who killed him. Then EVERYONE else was happy.

**THE END**


End file.
